The Midnight News
Look Hyatte you have to sort me out brudda. In loads of your columns you have been bragging elaborately about this piece of writing called 'The Taking of Triple H'. However, everytime I click on it, it cant be found. This is something which I insist you address for me, based simply on the fact that, I am being denied access to the true extent of the mind of a genius. For all I know you could be thick as cheese. I'm English, so you are my bitch. Yank boy. Dismissed.
Dirty Jim
First of all, don't dismiss me. Not so long ago we DISMISSED your little country from our borders... AND YOU WERE THE ONES WHO BROUGHT US THERE! Sent you all packing with yer tails tucked NICELY up your own asses... capeesh?
And at least America has the decency to tell that Robbie Williams douchebag to go get bent. COMPLETE rejection of a worldwide star... sort of like what we did to Queen all through the 70's.
Second of all, while I'm sure it'll vanish again as Flea drags ass about whatever is wrong with his website, ("Ahh got shit to do, Hi-Rate, hyuck"), The Taking of Triple H is back and available. In a few weeks I'll re-push it and introduce it properly to new readers.
You need to update your Canadian jokes. Specifically, the one about the quarterback. They play with 12 on the field up there for some silly reason, so you need 11 guys standing around, not 10. Glad to see you are still writing. I’ve followed you for way too long to count now. And I remember the red stripe.
Thanks again,
Shep
I stole the joke, and it was cut and pasted from a three year old column. Othert than that, I have no excuses.
You know who else remembers the Red Stripe? APRIL HUNTER! I had no clue she was a reader for so long! God Bless her. She get divorced yet? I want my turn. I've been entertaining her for YEARS AND YEARS... this JD Michaels is a Johnny Come Lately... IN THE BEGINNING, IT WAS ME, APRIL!! ME AND THAT BLACK GUY!! BUT HE WAS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WHILE HYATTE BROUGHT THE HYSTERICS!!! RECOGNIZE!!!
Hell, one wrestling chick goes, another one steps right up.
What's up, fuckfaces. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. LOADS of news stories broke down over the last week, so I'm going heavy this time out.
Okay then... off we go
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS THOUGHT OF THE WEEK
This is NOTHING like my Hidden Message; Secret Note shtick... just something to ponder as you live your ridiculous lives over the next week...
*The definition of true love is when your soul recognizes it's counterpart before your eyes do.*
BOOM.... chew on that a little. I'm going to spend a month or two pounding some latina greasepits
IF I ORDERED IT, MY WALLET WOULD NEVER (UN)FORGIVE(N) ME!!
We are all agreed that Raw IS the WWE now and Smackdown is just where they keep the leftovers?
Good. Unforgiven was last night, and its clear that the plan is to make every Raw ppv as important and as the co-brand biggies. Probably has something to do with the fact that those real fighter UFC PPVs are blasting the living crapola out of the WWE's buyrates.
Oh I didn't watch it. I HAVE WWE 24/7!!! I GET IT ONLY 8 WEEKS LATER AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER STUFF FOR ONLY $12 A MONTH!! UNDERSTAND???
Luckily, a bunch of assbags DID watch it, and recapped it... so I filched and will weigh in with appropriate comments. Yes I will.
Johnny Nitro vs Jeff Hardy
-Personally, with Hardy and the rumored to be returning X-Pac, and Marty Jannety, I just think Vince assumes he's paying the Wellness guy too much and wants him to WORK for that check.
-I saw on Drudge that a dead ape was found in Paris and it caused a rabies scare and my first thought was "When was Melina in Paris?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
-It's funny to hear Good Ol' JR say that Jeff Hardy had a "mysterious, undiscussed" last three years while bitching on his little column about how he doesn't have an issue with TNA.
-One might wonder why Ross and Lawler would openly debate as to where Pat Patterson was watching while a match between Jeff Hardy and a guy who wears his title as a euphemism for his penis was going down. One shouldn't wonder TOO hard, however...
-Nitro won after Melina interfered. We need a good Heel Inter-Continental champion for Carlito to fight now that Carly isn't main event timber. I'll get to that later.
-the match almost went 20 minutes... LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT GET US SOME RASSLIN' TONIGHT!!!
-Teddy Long was in the bleachers. He left a few minutes later as the Toronto crowd kept staring at him and not in the ring. They don't see too many darkies up there in the Great White North.
-Lita had a reunion with Matt and Jeff Hardy backstage.
UMANGA vs KANE
-Why does that Umanga manager guy squint all the time? Could it just be from squinting at his pay-off checks looking for another zero that just ain't there?
-I didn't see it, but I'm willing to bet Jim Ross broke his own record for abusing the adjective "thunderous" during this match.
-Breaking the cigar in half is WAAAAAY cooler than that gay "Click... DOOOOOOMSDAY!!" Jim Mitchell move.
-No one likes seeing Kane get pinned without a damn good reason, and Umanga gets to be cheered while selling Cena's 5 Knuckle Shuffle for the next few months, so they just kept swinging until the ref counted them both out.
-No... wait... the WWE Mark in me says it's THE ONLY LOGICAL FINISH IN A BATTLE BETWEEN THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE AND THE IMMOVABLE OBJECT!!! (reminds me of the last time I had diaherrea)
-Vince cuts a promo on Canada. Well, they ARE fairies with men who twiddle their thumbs for 14 YEARS while.... oh forget it.
The Spirit Squad vs the Highlanders
-Who cares.
VINCE AND SHANE MCMAHON AND THE BIG SHOW VS DX IN A HELL IN THE CELL
-Within 5 minutes, both McMahons were bleeding. Vince took a screwdriver across his forehead!!
-The Big Show was the ringer! For MORE extra-obvious observations, go to the DOI Message board and find out who has AIDS, who is raping various Indy rats and who is a no good stinking Jew. DOI Message board: Where NO ONE has to be accountable for what they post.
-There is no such thing as a BAD Hell in the Cell... unless the Big Bossman is involved... which I doubt will happen again anytime soon.
-Vincer tried to get someone to kiss his ass, but Hunter punched him, then Vince tried the old "Gotta sell this punch and re-buckle my pants back up at the same time" move... I'm sure he stole that from one of those Jap wrestlers in the 70's... Inoki maybe...
-DX won after crushing Shane's larynx, knocking out the Big Show, and shoving Vince's face in the Show's ass. Then Hunter broke the sledghammer over Vince's back. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, THIS FEUD IS DONE!! BRING ON HALL AND NASH!!
TRISH STRATUS VS LITA
-Trish won.
-I spent the last four years talking this girl up in this column. I'm sitting this one out and letting everyone else carry on. I did my share already. I'm on break. I'll talk about her when she gets single again.
-AND A THANK YOU WOULD'VE BEEN NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Heh... the question isn't if SHE'S reading... the question is if HE'S reading... Hello there! How's it goin', eh? Please cheat on her openly and early! Like... on your wedding day with a bridesmaid. Let's make this a quickie so Hyatte can get in there.
-Last night, I imagined rolling April Hunter up into a naked sunset flip pin and going to town on whatever hole was opened... came like a motherfucker I did.
-Ahhh, truth be told - notes were exchanged, contact was made. She knows how I feel - I know how she feels and that's all anyone needs to know.
RANDY ORTON VS CARLITO
-He may piss goddam heroin, he may shit in sleeping Diva's mouths, he may smoke blunts in front of Grade Schools.... but one thing about Randy Orton is that when he is asked to kiss a hot girl on camera... HE USES HIS TONGUE!! HE KISSES LIKE A MAN!!! HE KISSES LIKE HE GETS INTO IT!!!
-Carlito belongs in the mid-card... it's much more fun watching Orton melt down despite every attempt to bring him into the main event slot and set him up as the future of the WWE
-Orton won.
JOHN CENA VS EDGE
-Edge was cheered out of the building. Or something like that.
-Cena absorbed the boos and saluted... the problem I have with that is HE WAS NEVER IN THE ARMY!!!! THAT IS AN INSULT!!!
-Look, you don't go into Compton and flash gang signs if you ain't a Blood or a Crip. Well, you CAN but... oh hell, just do it. Nothing will happen.
-It was a hell of a match that Cena won because... heh... heh heh heh.... he ain't going to Smackdown... heh heh heh... HA. Smackdown... HAHAHAHAHAHA
-Anyway, order the replay. You'll never see a WWE Diva with such a veiny set of tits again.
THE TALE OF THE TAPE: X-PAC vs KANYON
Well, rumors are flying now...
Last week, while on tour in Florida, on the same show, actually, the Raw brand was treated to a cameo appearence from Sean "X-Pac" Waltman and Chris Kanyon... Waltman was a planned guest of DX in the ring and Kanyon is a recently announced homo who can't understand why he isn't getting booked as Wrestling's First Gay Wrestler That You Know Of who ran to ringside and held up signs then was chased out by security... later, Kanyon posted on his MySpace page a LOOOOONG.... piss poorly written essay on why he did that...
It was to get HIRED!! Of course!
So, we have two troubled cases looking for work... which one should they hire? Well, let's break it down...
-Chris Kanyon: An experienced vet who knows how to take good bumps
Sean Waltman: An experienced vet who knows how to take good bumps while stumbling around drunk in the locker room
Winner: KANYON!
-Chris Kanyon: Good friends with DDP
Sean Waltman: Used to get stoned so he could sleep through DDP's endless locker room stories
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: Recently announced that Bret Hart told him Survivor Series 1997 was a full blown WORK
Sean Waltman: Did what EVERYONE else did when he heard this... shook his head and said, "Why the fuck is Kanyon commenting on shit that is TOTALLY not his business???"
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: Has a MySpace account
Sean Waltman: Ran out of Space on his arm, legs, and toes to shoot up that isn't junkie tracked
Winner: KANYON
-Chris Kanyon: Ugly as sin
Sean Waltman: Sin is better looking
Winner: KANYON
-Chris Kanyon: Has bouts of depression
Sean Waltman: Cocaine cures the BLUES!
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: Has long, black hair
Sean Waltman: Has long black hair
Winner: HIPPIES EVERYWHERE!!
-Chris Kanyon: Came out of the closet
Sean Waltman: Has a hidden trap door in his closet where he keeps his stash, yo!
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: Has an unorthodox, original plan to get a job with the WWE
Sean Waltman: Doesn't need a plan, just his friends and a convincing bullshit story about how clean he is
Winner: WALTMAN
-Sean Waltman: Looks like a rodent
Chris Kanyon: Has shoved rodents up his heiny
Winner: God... neither of them
-Chris Kanyon: WHO BETTER THEN KANYON???
Sean Waltman: X-PAC SUCKS!!!
Winner: KANYON
-Chris Kanyon: Major league creepy, but also pathetic
Sean Waltman: Just pathetic
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: Might commit suicide one day
Sean Waltman: If he ain't dead by now...
Winner: KANYON (always fun when they die on a PPV day)
-Chris Kanyon: Likes penis
Sean Waltman: Likes Chyna's clit
Winner: TIED
-Chris Kanyon: Let DDP announce that he was gay after losing to him in a match
Sean Waltman: Let Chyna announce that this scrubby midget was her boyfriend after he showed up on The Surreal Life
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: No one misses him
Sean Waltman: We'd love to miss him but he keeps popping up!
Winner: TIED
-Chris Kanyon: Sometimes fans call him "Crowbar" by accident
Sean Waltman: Sometimes fans call him "Pillman" by accident
Winner: WALTMAN
-Sean Waltman: Got drunk and was mouthfucked by Raven one night
Chris Kanyon: Wasn't drunk....
Winner: WALTMAN
-Sean Waltman: Curses like a sailor
Chris Kanyon: Fucks sailors
Winner: WALTMAN
-Sean Waltman: X-PAC SUCKS
Chris Kanyon: The douchebag isn't supposed to take those chants LITERALLY
Winner: WALTMAN
-Sean Waltman: If hired, might have road affairs with the Divas
Chris Kanyon: If hired, might have a road affair with Randy Orton
Winner: KANYON!!
-Chris Kanyon: On his last legs
Sean Waltman: On his last dime bag... no, this time he SWEARS... he's quitting
Winner: WALTMAN
-Chris Kanyon: Has no friends to bring in for a killer Invasion angle
Sean Waltman: Nash, Hall, NWO vs DX, Survivor Series... the Clique Civil War... FUCKING GOLD
Winner: WALTMAN!!
And so... the final tally....
Chris Kanyon: 6
Sean Waltman: 12
TIED: 2
HIPPIES: 1
Waltman... far and away... is the better investment!
I say, hire them both but only to spoof the Chyna video! ONE NIGHT IN THE KANYON! Then fire Kanyon quick and let Waltman be Waltman and he'll find a way to screw himself back to the Indys.
Actually, they should hire Luger! Talk about your trainwrecks! That would be the BEST!!
OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE OLD
Just as the ink dried on the deal for that AWA library, Greg Gagne was booted from OVW as head booker... I COULD put together a HYSTERICAL piece the WWE rehired three old school veterans to help train and tutor the youngsters and maybe, JUST maybe... secure a gig for themselves...
The four, Henry Godwinn, Rodney Mack, Brad Armstrong and Marty Jannety each have very specific roles... or LESSONS to impart on the kids... the rookies... the up and comers....
Henry Godwin
-Will show how an empty tin cup under the oil leak on your rental can result in sleek, shiney, controllable hair
-Will show how sucking up to the Undertaker REALLY WORKS
-Will explain why weight lifting is for suckers
-Will lecture on how McDonalds IS a three-meal a day heaven and that Morgan Spurlock guy is a douchebag
-Will explain the dangers of fucking Tammy Sytch without lube
-Will prove how you don't need a great body and killer looks to score at least B-Level rats
-Will teach how to pass the Wellness tests... how booze ROCKS over coke!
Rodney Mack
-Will teach the kids how a non-push push works
-Will show how to smile for the fans even though they keep calling you D-Lo
-Will offer tips on how to work for a rascist boss without popping caps in his ass.
-Will show the best routes to drive from city to city using backroads so as to not get pulled over for DWB
-Will teach how to sell for Cena without just KILLING THAT WANNABE!!!
-Will show how to say "yes, sir" and act like you mean it.
-Will teach ways to explain your bloodshot eyes after some... "mellow out time"
-Will show how an Ipod works so yoiu can listen to your jams while HBK cranks up the Nickleback
-Will lead the kids to the high quality black rats... they be hidin', yo!
Brad Armstrong
-Will explain why they should study his brother Road Dog's career as a textbook study on what NOT to do.
-..... umm.....
-...... err.....
-..... umm..... OH, will explain how the Russian Legsweep works!
-.... herrrrm.....
-....uhhh.... Will explain how to take every gimmick handed to you and never get any of them over.
-..... nope, all I got... what the HELL are they doing hiring him?
Marty Jannetty
-HOW TO LAUGH BEHIND HIS BOSSES BACK ON LIVE TV!!
-Will teach how to lie on MySpace about your parole problems
-Will show how to pick up underage minors on MySpace then trash everyone from her parents to your webmaster when you get caught.
-Will teach how to suck up to Shawn Michaels and the best ways to make him feel guilty enough to get you chance after second chance
-Will provide advice on how to work the mullet while in the slammer!
-Will show how gosh darn COOL drugs are.
-Will show how to wear spandex in 2006 and wear it PROUDLY!
-Will teach the proper way to suck cock.
-Will show how an empty tin cup under the oil leak on your rental can result in an EXCELLENT anal lubricant
-Will show, by example, how to score the Divas with only half a snort of coke left...
-And, of course, will teach every single way on how to beat that motherloving, Godless, pain in the ass Wellness Test! What a friggin' NUISANCE
So... okay... it all makes sense now. Well, other than Armstrong... can't figure him out at all! That's a stickler. Even Meltzer, when reporting it, said, "I dunno, beats me!"
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Most lipstick contains fish scales*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
HA! Once again, we are confronted by the terribly real notion that women are just tuna boats with tits.
JACK BE NIMBLE, JACK BE QUICK... THE COPS ARE COMING!!! RUN!!!
You know, this New Jack.... what's his deal now?
He's working an Indy show, PWX (and a big FUCK YOU to Paul Heyman... because of him, EVERY brilliant, original asshole has to put an "X" in their fed's name... thanks Heyman... asshole), and before his match, he went to get a 7-Up.
Well, they didn't have it, so the white girl offered him a Sprite.
The girl is pregnant, by the way.
New Jack flipped out and started yelling at the girl... "contact" was made (probably means he grabbed her arm). Security came and calmed down New Jack.
Later, New Jack went back to the girl and yelled at her some more... so a security guy, Ronnie Lang, who happens to be the white girl's boyfriend... and, logically, her baby's daddy although you never know in this silly wrestling world... tried to chill things down. One thing led to your mother and New Jack broke the dude's jaw... the cops came, New Jack left but wasn't arrested and people were more interested in this than in the Steve Corino vs Teddy Hart match in the ring... (which explains the giant "THANK YOU NEW JACK" chant... heh.... HA.... Corino, who's paying to watch him bleed?... HAHAHA!)
A pregnant girl...
All because they ran out of 7-Up
Asshole!
First of all, 7-Up is carbonated cat piss... while SPRITE is the shit... and tastes SO good... and why not go for the grape soda anyway?
Second of all... SHE'S PREGNANT!!
Third of all... for crying out loud, New Jack... you are a big, angry black guy... why do ANYTHING that would invite the cops to come by? You KNOW that's just asking for trouble! Doesn't Spike Lee explain all this in every movie he makes?
Fourth of all, the WWE turned you down when you suggested that you be hired as the guy who knifed John Cena way back when (brilliant idea, by the way)... no one called when ECW started back up.... aren't you, like, pretty much needing every Indy to book you? Why get yourself blacklisted?
But I like New Jack... well, really I don't but I like my balls wear they are and not stuffed down my throat.... so I'm here to give advice... see, I think New Jack is confused. He thinks he's in prison and is operating under Prison rules... not Real World Rules...
So New Jack, if you're reading...
1) No touching white girls unless asked. I know, in prison you can manhandle all the white guys you want and dress them up as pretty, pretty princesses, but in the REAL WORLD, they like their space.
2) If Sprite is available, TAKE IT... the Bull Screws ain't trying to fuck with you. The warden isn't outlawing 7-Up along with cigarettes and conjugals... it just means they do not have 7-Up stocked. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.
3) DO NOT PUNCH SECURITY GUARDS... they aren't throwing you in "the hole" butt naked and whacking you with billy clubs when the warden ain't looking.
4) Toothbrushes are to brush and clean your teeth, they AREN'T to be sharpened and used as a shank on some disrespectful Aryan.
5) Gay sex is an ACT OF LOVE... not an Act of Control so you can get someone to braid your hair up nice.
6) Room and board cost MONEY... which you CANNOT MAKE if you are thrown out of the building before you wrestle your match. In jail, you don't show up to work they still give you a free cot and 3 free squares... in the real world you get evicted for that sort of nonsense.
7) Beating up pregnant women doesn't get you FEAR AND RESPECT it just gets you that free room and board I mentioned right up top.
8) Books in the library are to be read, NOT used as armor over your prison issues.
9) Don't go to the movies and yell at the screen... the actorsd can't hear you but the paying white folks who are cowering 19 rows behind you can... they want to see if Jennifer and Vince can make it work... they don't need your commentary track.
10) Smoke weed AFTER your match, not before... and don't pay for it in cigarettes
11) You might get along better in life if you stop calling yourself "New Jack" and start calling yourself "Larry Smith" or something just as harmless.
12) Speaking of which, aren't you nearing 40? When does "New Jack" officially become "Old Jack"?
13) Finally... you don't know where I live and by God you ain't finding out... let this one slide, homie. I'm just a Internet Touch Guy... I'm harmless... plus I fall for guys online who pretend to be Trish Stratus... I've got enough problems. Peace out!
And that isn't the only Indy story making rounds... there's also something about Dustin Rhodes no-showing a three-shot appearence set at a New York Indy and the promoter publicily crying about it. Which makes sense to me... but I don't know the whole story.
However, it LOOKS like Sean "The MiC" didn't approve of the promoter's whining and did some editorializing, which is connected to Frank Goodman's UXF promotion which runs shows mostly in New York, thus being competitive... plus the promoter called Frank Goodman a kike in e-mail...
HOWEVER, Sean books UXW shows... so... well....
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SEAN!! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF GOODMAN'S ASS WHEN IT COMES TO REPORTING NEWS STORIES PLEASE!!! THIS ISN'T UXW.COM!! BE MORE OBJECTIVE, PLEASE!!! STOP BRAGGING ABOUT GOODMAN VERBALLY RAPING SOMEONE LIKE HE'S YOUR DADDY!!! GOODMAN'S A PUTZ AND WHEN I SEE HIM ON THE STREET I'M GONNA... yadda yadda yadda...
Last night, this site's message board had 81 visitors at one time... a record that ANY message board would kill for... MOST OF YOUR NEW AUDIENCE DOESN'T KNOW OR CARE ABOUT FRANK GOODMAN, SEAN... STOP IT!!
Ugh... I should change my identity and go write for the Torch, then reveal myself in a year when I am the site's biggest draw and get hired for the newsletter... HO!! ROCK CITY!
Jesus... between Sean and Pee Wee Moore god damn calling for the removal of all the PEDOS in wrestling, and that Zevon guy talking politics for some reason... and a message board where I SWEAR people in the business... like names you would KNOW... frequent and post... this is... this site is unreal... plus you got ME!
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Man, I was dead drunk on Saturday and asleep by 9:30... didn't see it... but I got something else to tide you over...
AND ANOTHER THING: INTERNET COLUMN WRITING 101
Been meaning to repost this... I originally wrote this in 2001... MAY 2001....
And... ya know.... it's still something ANYONE who would like an online wrestling column of their very own one day should read... and HEED!!
I've been doing this for a while, kids... and I hate to tell you, but I'm GOOD at it... so shut the fuck up, stop complaining about how lame I am, and accept that I'm a frickin' TALENT...
So for anyone looking to be the newest 411er, or Lord of Pain, or Torch Writer, or.... umm.... PWInsider!... read and TAKE NOTES...
* * * * * * * *
What’s the most common sentence an Internet surfer says?
“Hey, I can do that!”
Yes, since 80% of us do this for free, and the other 20% barely make enough to buy the latest Backstreet Boys CD, writing for the Internet has become the home of bad writers who think they are actually talented. After all, the only qualifications you really need are the skills to successfully beg a web master to let you write for his site. After that, all you need do is weigh in your very insightful thoughts and present an articulate argument as to why you are the only writer who’s opinions matter.
Hey, I’m all for that! I believe that the ‘Net, in it’s purest form, should be the one place where everyone gets a say. Where everyone is allowed to make their statement and comment on the issues of the day. It’s for free, it’s fun, and you might make a few new friends while you are at it. My God, even idiots deserve to have their voices heard. At the very least, it allows actually talented writers to make fun of something other than WCW.
Unfortunately, presenting a coherent essay, is tough work. Some people can’t make sense on their own no matter how much they rip off other writers. So, with that in mind, I’d thought I would give some help to those wannabes out there by breaking down the most basic premise of an Internet Column and constructing a “How To” Guide for anyone who’s every dreamed of doing what Gods like me do every week, creating the typical Internet Column, yet including YOUR own personality into it. After all, what fun is it to write for the Internet for free and not getting famous for it? Part of the charm in this game is that YOU become a name people recognize and flock to each week a new column by you comes out? It’s what we all live for. That and beer.
So, fire up the printers, kids. I’m going to show you, step by step, how to become an “Internet Expert” and maybe, just maybe, an “Internet Star”!
Your Name
Perhaps the most important aspect of being a column writer. Whether you choose to use your real name, a pen name, your initials, or your last name only, you must have one in order to get people talking about you. Quite frankly, there will never come a day when someone on your site’s message board will say, “You know, anonymous really does great stuff!”. You simply need an identifiable name, people. Just don’t make the mistake that someone else did and refer to yourself as some sort of domesticated pet. Then you would look stupid.
Base Title
Every Internet column needs a snappy “home title”. This is mostly thanks to the rampant overabundance of columns out there. Every site, or at least the most known ones, employs a team of columnists to offer the readers fresh daily opinions to go along with the news that usually is culled from other sites anyway. Yes, a solid team of opinion writers is the most important part of any website. They all have titles for their columns that tell the reader that if they enjoyed what the writer wrote last week, he now has something new this week. It is important for the new writer to get a title for his column and stick with it. It helps them stand out from the pack.
Subject Title
The Base Title will only attract the reader’s notice. You need a Subject Title to lure them in. It can be vague, ironic, quirky, referential, or even straight forward. It has to be something interesting enough for the reader to think, “Hmm, now this looks interesting” and click on in. The entire theme of your column must center around the title, so the reader doesn’t get feel ripped off after reading. Well, chances are that he or she will feel ripped off anyway, but at least they won’t feel mislead by a Subject Title that had no relation to what’s in the column.
Teaser
Some websites don’t ask for it, but if your new website does, you should create a teaser for placement under your Title. The teaser is a one or two sentence “lure” into selling your column. Try to keep it vague, but detailed enough to give the reader an idea as to what the column’s topic will be. It should go hand in hand with the Subject Title, but while the Subject Title is both eye catching and interesting, the teaser should be more straightforward.
Okay, you got the reader to click into your column and start reading. How should you keep them from going away mid-way through?
The Opening
Your job of getting the reader to check you out is not over yet. These are busy people here. They aren’t going to waste time if you ramble on for pages before making your point. What you need to do is grab them early and refuse to let go until they read every word you’ve written. This is what the opener is for. To present yourself to the reader, and then explain what this week’s subject will be and what your objective is.
First, you introduce yourself. Remind them of who you are and the name of this column. This way, there will be no mistaking whose expert opinions the reader will be made privy to. It’s your column. It’s your name. You are about to teach them something.
Then, use a Bookend. A single sentence that begins the column. It tells the reader from what point you are going to speak about. It gives them an overall sense of where you will go from. It’s basically the starting point. Make it strong enough to keep them reading.
Next, you must discuss why you picked this topic. Since you want to be considered an “expert”, it is vital that you convey to the reader that something is wrong with the subject and it needs repairing. Do research. By that I mean scour the other web sites and see what other people are bitching about. Of course, you must not suggest that you actually did check out what everyone else thinks, the concept must be presented as your idea and your idea alone! After all, you also have the responsibility of making your website the only website that matters. You can’t do that and admit to being influenced by writers from other sites at the same time.
The opener can be as long or as short as you want. Over time, once you have established a base audience, you can use the opener to reflect off-topic views and send the very important “Shout Outs” to your other homies. This is important for you when establishing your “celebrity status”. It is also vital for you to use the opening paragraph (or single sentence, or series of brief sentences) to prove to the audience that you are not some “loser” who sits at his computer for fourteen hours a day posting messages and chatting with your friends. You must make it known that you have a life outside of the Internet, and the life is better than the readers.
After setting up your topic, and establishing a bit of your personality in the opening note, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is and actually dive into the promised topic.
The Meat
Okay, this is it. This is where you really make yourself stand out. Here we go. This is where you put your opinions on “paper” and make them stick in the reader’s mind. This is where your expert opinions will be made and where you will show the reader something they haven’t seen before. This is where you influence some one’s opinion with your very own.
I can’t really advice you on what to say actually, but I can help you with how to present what you say.
• Bullet points are very popular. Some like to go with the popular “-” mark format. Others use different colored font or bold lettering to establish individual points. The bullet format comes in very convenient when you decide to phone in a column with a Random Thoughts package for the week. Bullet points or it’s kin help make you point without crafting sensible paragraphs. It’s an extremely handy way for the novice who hates the hard job of actual writing, yet loves being a Web Celeb.
• Some column topics could use a little backstory. Some time spent on the history of the subject at hand. This is an effective tool used to show the reader that you know a little something about wrestling before “Austin 3:16”, or at least, you know who Vince Russo is and how he turned the WWF around before bombing out in WCW. I’m afraid, people will have trouble respecting you if they do not think you know your history, even a little. Of course, if a bit of research is too much for you to handle, the bullet point format will take cover up for your lack of knowledge quite easily. Mind you, you will one day have to show that you no a bit more on the overall subject if you want to keep writing about it and be taken seriously, but you’ll have time to work on that.
• Use your thesaurus for help with big words. If none is handy, then take a guess and hope no one will notice. To be honest, they probably won’t.
• Beware the overuse of Dramatic Single Sentence Paragraphs. While they are the ultimate way to sell the importance of your words, and present a mini-cliffhanger to entice the reader to keep reading, too much of it makes you look dependent on them. The reader catches on that there is too much sizzle in your column, and not enough steak.
• Be strong with your opinions. Convince the reader that what you say makes sense. Makes perfect sense. Tell them that your ideas are the only way to go. If you are wishy washy with what you say, then no one will take you seriously. Don’t be a Scaia. Pick a side and defend it
Okay, now that you’ve gotten your points across in a reasonable fashion, it’s time to take it all home.
The Finish
With the meat of your column out of the way, now is the time to use your other Bookend. Be it amusing, ironic, or open ended, the closing Bookend works with the beginning Bookend in encapsulating the text. Now the reader knows what your thoughts were and it makes it easier for them to reflect on your wisdom and decide whether they agree with it. The single sentence capper helps put a button on things, yet opens the door for further columns and/or speculation.
Wrap things up with a brief farewell. Since you don’t want everyone knowing that you’ll be sitting at your computer constantly checking the message boards and your e-mail for instant reaction, announce that you are off to do things off-line. Be nonchalant about it. Treat it as just “business as usual”. It’s important not to sound like your lying.
Then, send out one last “inside message” to a fellow poster or site mate. It will create a sense of unity at your site and make the reader want to be a part of it. It helps sell yourself as a “star” too.
Your column is almost finished. Just one more small item left.
The Sign Off
As important as your column title, the sign off is the last thing the reader sees before he goes away. It’s the cherry on top of the sundae that is your column, and the sundae that is your world. It tells the people that the thrill ride is over, and now they must wait a wee before they get your words and insight again.
There are many kinds of sign-offs you can use. A simple name is effective, yet boring. A topic related clichйd farewell gives the reader something to remember, and relate to. A one line bit of self-effacement tells the reader that you take none of this too seriously. There are many kinds of sign-offs to pick from. Pick the one that works best for you! Just make sure it’s something unique enough so that you will be instantly identified by it over time.
To further help your introduction to Internet Column Writing, I have included a sample column which employs all the rules outlined above. Please use this as a sample and do not cut and paste this as your very own column. I truly doubt the Torch will accept this.
*****
P-Bomb's Thoughts: The WWF Sucks And Here's Why
Whazzup! I'm P-Bomb and here's another P-Bomb's Thoughts
It has become painfully clear to me that the WWF has lost it's edge.
I know, I know, you're thinking "No way! I can't believe it! The WWF is on a red hot streak! How can you possibly say that it's lost it's edge??"
I realize this'll be tough to swallow, but I have clear, concrete proof.
Vince McMahon has grown lazy and placent. Since he bought WCW, he feels that he is the absolute King of the Wrestling World. There is absolutely no one who can topple him. So why should he even care anymore? He thinks he can put on whatever he wants and people will watch.
It's a bad, horrible, terrifying idea. Me and my friends were discussing it while we were getting ready to go pick up some strippers for an orgy, and we came up with some awesome ideas on how Vince can improve his company.
And perhaps improve himself.
So, here are some great gimmick ideas that will definitely turn the WWF around!
-Turn Austin face again! The heel gimmick isn't working. After just a couple of weeks it is blatantly obvious. No need to give it any chance. The writing's on the wall. It sucks.
-Bring Back Rocky! I know he sucks, you know he sucks. But the company needs a face right now. After his Mummy Returns movie dries out, he'll be aching to come back and "lay the smackdown on..." and all those other retarded catchphrases. Vince should lift the suspension and bring him right back.
-Make HHH lose. The guy wins too much. He's boring on the microphone. Use him to elevate some mid-carders like Benoit and Chris Jericho, but especially BENOIT!
-Elevate Benoit. He's everyone's favorite wrestler. He rules. Give him his shot!
-Take away HHH's influence. Geeze, everyone knows that he wields total power in the WWF! He sucks. Vince should tell him to shut up and go away.
-Bring in WCW! Hire Flair, Goldberg, Nash, and Hogan to invade the WWF and let's get this big cross promotional war going! It's time!
Just a few ideas that will return the WWF to greatness.
Or just maybe, it will help greatness return to the WWF?
I have to go spend time with the girlfriend now.
Hey Brian6969, you were right about our mutual flame quest. He still sucks.
Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
P-Bomb Cassidy
*****
There. Everything you need to know about writing your very own Internet column. Most importantly, it’s everything you need to know about becoming an Internet Star!
Feel free to print this out and use it for your own purposes.
Or, even better, print this out, burn it and eat the ashes.
Because Lord knows, I have enough people ripping my style off.
This is Hyatte too
* * * * * * * *
Wow... brilliant.
Although I MIGHT, now that I am more seasoned, reverse my stance on "Inside Shout outs"... those are silly. No one cares about making inside shout outs... only fairy ass losers sends out Hidden Messages & Inside Notes... good lord. What's next, having private inside post exchanges on a public message board? What was I THINKING???
Next week... Wedding bells. Reading Material starring William Shatner... yes, William Shatner. And the honest to God it really happened story about how I was attacked by a bat... AGAIN!! And that TNA PPV.
Oh... wait...
A HIDDEN MESSAGE; A SECRET NOTE
Even angels deserve an angel of their very own. Hiya!
.....
..... I couldn't resist
14
This is Hyatte